suddenly, i wanted to know what you think of me..
as if it still matters..
wala lang..
{ mood } awake
Written by soulsmoker at 04:20 AM post. Filed under my sweetest downfall.
i haven't had this in a long time.
the last time i had a nightmare was when i really missed tatay, so much that i saw him slipping to the next life on my bare hands. the pain was suffocating, i was crying in my dream. when i woke up, i was sobbing literally. i was really scared, so scared that my next action was to find him, wherever he was just to tell him a few things, ask him a few questions, only to find out he didn't want me anymore, for some unintelligible reasons, only him knows. it really hurt, big time!
and then last night..
i saw you in my dreams. we were great, we were happy, we were inseparable. and then, you met somebody, a friend of mine. you acted weird. you treated her in a different way. i was taken aback. i saw pain. i saw you slipping away from me. . my heart is in deep pain, really deep pain, then i was crying, crying my heart out. suddenly, i cannot breathe. i woke up, grasping for air, heavily panting while astonishingly feeling the pain i felt in my dream, i felt the pang of jealousy, the hurt of you leaving me.. when i turned to check you. you were sleeping soundly, snoring, grinding your teeth, moving from side to side.. you are still here, physically but your not heart is not here anymore, malaysia maybe..?
i do not know what to say. i was suddenly scared, again.
of course it still hurts. but i can handle it.
p.s. u smell soo goood this morning.. i wanted to bite you... lol
{ music } true colors
{ mood } scared
Written by soulsmoker at 10:15 AM post. Filed under my sweetest downfall.
it was a good night. a time where all the rantings about life was expressed. it was a good therapy for us all. and then after the conversations, i realized we were all victims of love. at some point in our lives we have succumb to loving that one person who made us feel alive , got hurt in the process and then they moved on, they were able to, i was able to before and i will be able to do it now.
i actually feel better now, at least now. i would not know about tomorrow, the pain might come again. when i am reminded of him, the things we used to do, the things we used to share, the things we used to say, the places we go to. but that is a part of it. i have to pick up the pieces or no one else will. i will have to decide to move on, get a life, start from scratch, mend myself. this is going to be very difficult but i know it is possible.
tonight is that night. and although it may seem as difficult as crossing the ganges river. i will do this. i can do this. i am stronger than this. i am better than this. the decisions i have made lately are but momentary lapses of judgement, though i do not regret them,, they made me realize something. when u hit the bottom, there is no other way but up.
i love him, love him just the way he is, no buts , no ifs. and i will always do. but i have to get on with my life because the world will not stop revolving just to pry on my pathetic private life. there are a million people in this planet and some are going through so much worse than this, i should be thanksful. there is so mcuh more to do. my identity should not be attached with him. my happines should not be because of his existence. my voice should be back. my zest for life whould be reborn.
i am done wallowing on my own sad emotions. yet. i will still love the rain. the grey sky. the sad sound of birds humming in the meadow. the lonely boat in the river. the falling of brown leaves. the breeze of summer. the silence of the night. the sorrow of poets. the journals of my past.the tragic love stories. the melacholic music.
and yes. i was looking for a miracle. i found it. in an unlikely time and place.
to be continued..
{ music } someday by sugar ray
{ mood } haaaaappppppyyyyyy
Written by soulsmoker at 04:13 AM post. Filed under my sweetest downfall.
i need a miracle.
yet.
i do not even believe in miracles.
{ music } himala by rivermaya
{ show } my chatscreen
{ mood } broken
Written by soulsmoker at 01:16 AM post. Filed under hanging by a moment.
i hate you.
but
i hate myself more.
Written by soulsmoker at 03:58 AM post. Filed under my sweetest downfall.
if i have to fool myself everyday just to keep you.. then i will.
ill bleed. ill give. ill love. ill stay. ill persevere. ill hurt.
till
there is nothing more..
and then , it'll stop. i am hoping , life will not.
{ music } the economy of mercy
{ book } my mind
{ show } you sleeping
{ mood } calm
Written by soulsmoker at 03:06 AM post. Filed under my sweetest downfall.
i am running in circles but i cannot seem to stop running. the thought of me stopping is a vanity i cannot afford right now. it would seem that not having to run and feel the pain would only make my useless living more useless than it already is.
so the real issue is, i do not want to move on. why? shit, i cannot even answer that question. maybe because i have gotten so familiar with it, not having it around is like not being able to breathe. i am really crazy. i am pathetic. i just cannot seem to stop.
i want to be angry. i want to shout. i want to ask questions. i want to beg. i want to do a lot of things but in the end, what i'll do is put up a happy face, pretend than i am fine, i am happy, i am settled.
but in reality, i am not. i am starting to self destruct. i am in the verge of crying everytime the conversations play in my mind. i am like a broken record. i need some divine intervention even if i do not deserve it. i cringe at my own paranoia.
i have to love myself more. but what is there to love? i cannot find anything lovable about me. i am a mess. i do have anything good to offer.
he is just a few inches from me but i cannot touch him. i want to sleep beside him. kiss him. hug him. but i am not allowed. he has built his walls well, there is no way i can get in. and then, i am stuck , stuck within my wicked thoughts about dying, hoping that when it does happen he will realize i am important. I am such a coward.
i need a reason.
Lord, save me. I cannot do it anymore.
{ mood } cold
Written by soulsmoker at 04:37 PM post. Filed under my sweetest downfall.